What if Donald Trump owned the Buffalo Bills instead of being President of the United States?

Every week of the Trump administration brings new excitement. Not the kind of excitement that you can enjoy. More like the excitement of hundred foot drop of a roller coaster that might make you a bit sick.

As Trump jettisons some of the more intelligent and stable members of his administration we are being told by the pundits that he is “unshackled” from John Kelly, aiming to do and say as he pleases. So fasten your seat beats.

What we are talking about here is basically the fate of the United States and the world. But what if Trump’s act was played out on a more important stage for many residents of Western New York? What if, instead of being President of the United States, Trump instead was the owner of the Buffalo Bills?

Trump submitted one of the bids for the team in 2014 when Ralph Wilson’s estate put the team up for sale. He submitted a losing bid. The team went instead to Terry and Kim Pegula. As is his way, he subsequently bad mouthed the new ownership.

Trump said at one point that had he purchased the Bills that he might not have run for president. So I guess you could say that Ralph Wilson’s family is responsible for all that has happened to this country in the past year and a half. That would be unfair, but hey, who said life is fair?

The Bills, of course, finally ended their 17 year playoff drought in January, but they are not exactly what you would describe as a Super Bowl contender. A lot more needs to be done. But take a couple moments to think about where the team, and by extension the entire Western New York community, would be now if Donald J. Trump were the owner of the Buffalo Bills instead of president. I think it is fair to say that, like it or not, we know the man pretty well at this point. Consider the possible conversations…

With Head Coach Sean McDermott

DT: So coach, thanks for getting us into the playoffs, but I’m thinking you really could have done more with last year’s team. We need to be tired of winning, and we’re not.

SMcD: Well Mr. Trump, I worked with the team that you provided. Some of those guys are not what you would call very talented.

DT: But they are something more important than talented. Every time I walk into the locker room they all run over and kiss my ass and tell me how great I am. Most of them are very loyal. As you know, I value loyalty to me above everything.

SMcD: But sir, there were several times during the season when you were pretty hard on me when we blew a play or lost a game. Some loyalty coming in my direction would have been appreciated.

DT: Don’t hold your breath Sean. And another thing, I think the post-game press briefings are weak, very weak. You need to say more about how I am making the Bills great again with my tremendous investment in the team.

SMcD: It’s hard to challenge New England for the Division title when they keep grabbing quality players from us.

DT: It’s hard for me to hide my affection for Bob Kraft, Tom Brady, and Bill Belichick. I even have a nickname for Bill; I call him “Vladimir” after someone I greatly admire.

SMcD: But really sir, you let some very talented guys slip away to other teams to save a few bucks. It’s hard for me to lie about my feelings.

DT: Practice, Sean, practice. Lying is pretty easy when you do it all the time.

With team general manager Brandon Beane

DT: Brandon, there’s something I think you are failing to recognize. I only like spending other people’s money.

BB: Which means…?

DT: Which means the payroll is too big. Why do we need 53 players? Just because other teams do that doesn’t make it a good idea. So let’s start by cutting Shady McCoy’s salary and bringing the roster down to 40 players.

BB: But Mr. Trump…

DT: Just do it. I also want to use a new slogan I just thought of that I want plastered all around the stadium – “A commitment to excellence.”

BB: I think Al Davis trademarked that for the Raiders about 30 years ago. Also it wouldn’t be honest.

DT: So? Al’s dead. Do it.

With offensive lineman Richie Incognito

DT: Richie I’m really impressed with your no-holding-back style of telling your teammates and other players what you think of them. These guys are coddled. If they can’t take it, then let me know and I’ll get rid of them.

RI: Thank you sir. It’s good to know that you recognize that there are good people on both sides of an issue.

DT: No problem. You know Richie, I been thinking about how to attract some great attention for the team. The next time one of our guys kneels during the National Anthem I want you to walk over and punch the guy in the face. If a brawl breaks out, all the better. It would be like the World Wrestling Federation! Great for ratings.

RI: I’m on board, sir.

With County Executive Mark Poloncarz

DT: Mark, even though you are a highly partisan Democrat, I am trying my best to work with you. But I’m losing my patience. When do we start construction on a new stadium?

MP: Well, not anytime soon. And besides, we’re talking about a billion dollars or more these days. We’re a hard working community and we really can’t afford that. What would you contribute to the stadium project?

DT: Just my good name, which is worth tens of millions of dollars. I will retain the naming rights, of course, but when it opens the stadium will be named Trump Field. Unless, of course, some Russian oligarch wants to do some money laundering. In that case the stadium will be called Gorky Park.

MP: How about we start with you opening up your books to see how much you can personally put into a deal.

DT: Who do you think you are, Bob Mueller? It’s none of your f*****g business.

MP: Well fine, no numbers from you, no numbers from me.

DT: We’re only talking a billion dollars. Raise the sales tax.

MP: The taxpayers won’t stand for it.

DT: Listen Mark, you’re a no-good Democrat loser. I’ll run you into the ground.

MP: Fake threat.

One thought on “What if Donald Trump owned the Buffalo Bills instead of being President of the United States?

  1. Yep, all our hand wringing about the team moving to Toronto would have been alleviated. Then you look up and it’s the Moscow Bills!
    On the other hand we probably would have gotten the Jills back. Prez loves strolling through the changing room.


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